it's not what you are underneath...it's what you do that defines you!


Saturday, October 29, 2005
people are strange when you're a stranger

i found means to do some thinking lately. it happens especially if you're bored with life and you have nothing but two cans of beer in your little refrigerator and some shitty shows on the television. you'll just decide to lie down and stare at the wall for hours. then, when it's there, it's there...the burst of thoughts going easy on you.

my life so far is a blast of shits. no achievements. no, nothing. i kept thinking that maybe i was born for a phlegmatic life.

i scribbled some shits last night: (people, go easy on me on this one oyat?)

it was the silence of night
that destroyed me. unwanting,
unsure, it's there before me. not
the bangling of my metal chandeliers
not even the strike of my
neighbors clubfoot. it was him--
the silence that killed my peace.

---------


Posted at 11:33 am by white_suds
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Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Missed moments won't return

Last night I realized that SHE is as sensitive as I thought she was. She tries so hard to defy everything that would contradict her as a happy-go-lucky person but in reality, sheís as rotten as hell (like me). At lest Iím not trying to hide it. Am I just sourgraping or what? Maybe, but I just find it ridiculous to be funny and gay when deep inside you know youíre hurting. I mean, why try to hide it? People donít give a shit about what you feel. Last night, I made a little attempt to drive away from being too close to this person. I mean, I donít want to invest anymore. People leave me all the time, thatís likely the case so I decided to be extra careful next time. Not that I hate them for leaving me but I totally despise the fact that I have to be left alone. Why is that the case? Okay, I promise not to whine anymore. Thatís one of the reasons why I stop writing in this shitty blog. Everything that comes out from my mind is a non-ending whining. Whine. Whine. Whine. But people do that a lot, donít they? Iíll stop whining and everything wonít be normal anymore (at least for me). I miss photography. I miss my camera. I miss strolling along the campus and having the time of my life. I miss my mug. I miss reading books. I miss going to the movies. I miss life. I miss YOU. Where have I been these past few days? My entire life is almost wasted.

Posted at 12:06 pm by white_suds
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Monday, June 20, 2005
Back from the dead

I promised styar I would try to write again. It sure took me awhile but at least I'm down to my system once again. Not that it gets better this time but at least I'm holding on. What keep me going really is that I know I'm not alone. Unfortunately, I have nothing onmy mind right now. Specifically nothing to write (or maybe I've lost my ability to write). I dunno. I'll write something if I can.

Posted at 04:59 pm by white_suds
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Friday, July 09, 2004
Falling...

Today, I feel like falling into the abyssÖ

Iím so fucked up. I feel my temple throbbing double time and I could feel the sharpness of my jaw every time I grit my teeth. My eyes are hot and my lips are sore. My head is spinning and I feel so confined. I want to untangle my hair into the wind and surrender my body into that deep, dark hole but that would mean total absolution. I think Iím not ready. The air is unusually in the mood for a long sleep and I get invitations too. From time to time I would think about it and I would usually decline.


Posted at 02:52 pm by white_suds
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Thursday, July 08, 2004
As I hang by the bridge

I've tried to sit still but my feet would languidly sway under the cold water. the ripples were good to look at. they've become my refuge. my consolation over this self-inflicted solace. but the coldness never got through my bone, it evaporated slowly like the rain splashing on my face.

i stared at the water trying not to notice my own reflection. my own redundancy. instead i tried searching for the bottom of the green water not exatcly knowing what exactly i was searching for. i dig and search and eventually find nothing.

the abyss scares me sometimes. even though i keep on telling myself, there's nothing to be scared of, my heart says otherwise. the smell of fear is too obvious this time.


Posted at 03:28 pm by white_suds
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Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Mad Dog

i wonder why this conviction is turning me into a mad dog. i hate pretending but sometimes it leaves me with no choice. i have to smile only for the sake of being human. i never intend to console other souls simply for their own satisfaction but there are situations that i just have to stoop down to my own level. i saw the moon last night. i stared until my eyes got weary. i hop into bed thinking its beauty and found myself angry. like a mad dog i salivate at the sight of a potential victim but cringe as i dig my teeth onto its flesh!


Posted at 10:12 am by white_suds
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Thursday, July 01, 2004
floating ice over a dead body

i see you without knowing that i was already slipping my shivering hands inside that little, dark closet of yours hoping to see your nakedness, wishing to touch your warmness. i have to do this without you knowing it. without you knowing that it was my frigid hands that's touching your frailty. i've learned that knowledge doesn't always bring good. it makes the other person deadly conscious which in the end put the 'agressor' in the wrong footing. but you know what? you're so good in hiding things that you could fool anyone but me.

i hate myself for loving the things that you hate because slowly, it has becoming a short, pathetic habbit of mine. i know you don't like conventional things...but will you see me less if i do? will you look down on me because i like something that you terribly despised? i like the feeling of spiting you sometimes...because although you look down on me, it will be my step towards being different from YOU and all the things that you like. you should not expect me to be exactly like you, right? i hope so...because I'M DIFFERENT FROM YOU!

you make me crazy sometimes. you make me things which I know is not the real me. you bring the worst in me...you bring me so much pain i'm beginning to love you more. damn.


Posted at 07:12 pm by white_suds
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Next Page

I like white and i epitomize the suds...
I am a walking reflection of a dark alley which I pass by every night...it's dark, mysterious, and haunting. People tried walking on this alley but not once did they try to discover the real soul...


I am a rock band fanatic...

I go to places where there are less lights and less people talking...

I love movies (those i feel have sense and art)...

I love The Doors and the 60s...

I love thinking it hurts...

I sometimes wish life but most of the time vanishing in thin air...


   





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